Often, summertime can involve getting together with people you don’t see on a regular basis. Family members, old neighborhood friends, and other people that life has kept you from seeing for awhile. During your time of independence in school or in your typical day-to-day life, you might have formed some concrete expectations for what you are and aren’t comfortable with that your peers were able to learn and respect; these are your social boundaries. But now that you’re out of that environment, you may be dealing with people in your life who are more unfamiliar.
Building your Boundaries
When thinking about boundaries, it is especially important to establish social boundaries. Boundaries are the limits that you set for your social engagements. For example, your personal space. If you end up feeling uneasy when someone gets considerably close or starts placing their hands on you during a discussion, then that is a social boundary of yours. A boundary doesn’t have to be physical, though. You can have boundaries regarding many different aspects of social interaction. Are there any given conversation topics that you don’t feel comfortable with? That’s a boundary. Certain behaviors that you’d rather not have someone do around you? Another boundary. Keep in mind that your boundaries are defined entirely by your personal feelings at the time. They’re not always these concrete and logical rules, nor do they have to be. They can even bend or lighten depending on the context. What’s important is how much they matter to your comfort, and that they are being respected.
When Your Boundaries are Broken
Where problems occur is when others are ignorant of what your boundaries are. During your summer, you’ll likely find yourself involved in plenty of socializing. In these situations, you have a high chance of running into people who aren’t aware of the appropriate ways to act around you. They might act in ways that you feel are needlessly invasive and uncomfortable. It’s not always a result of deliberate malice, often it’s simply a matter of not knowing better. Regardless, you may end up feeling trapped in these situations with someone none the wiser of how they’re making you feel.
Communication is Key
When it comes to boundaries, perhaps the most important thing is that there’s NO boundary stopping you from letting someone know when they’re stressing you out. When someone you know is breaking a boundary of yours, first try letting them know that you’re not comfortable with what they’re doing. Explain why you feel this way and do so in a calm, patient manner to avoid being perceived as accusatory or hostile. Using “I” statements to express how their behavior is affecting you can help to prevent the other individual from immediately being defensive.
Additionally, make sure that you are giving the other person a chance to respond. There could be misunderstandings or other underlying reasons of why they are acting a certain way.
If they’re continuing to ignore your boundaries after you’ve made them clear and they keep going or try to downplay your feelings, at that point, it’s best to simply establish a much bigger boundary between yourself and this individual. Reconsidering your relationship with this person may be the last route, but it is important to protect yourself and your feelings.
